Caltrops: The Teen Years

One of society's guilty pleasures seems to be failure, specifically when it happens to other people. Oh sure it's great to watch people succeed at their endeavors, and we'll even applaud them as long as it doesn't happen too often, but nothing really compares to that self-satisfying triumphant pleasure that comes from seeing someone else fail, preferably in a spectacular, explosive manner.

You're all in luck. Recently I realized I've reached what I call the teenager stage of cooking, and it's hysterically funny and terrifying all at once. I know everything, I'm never wrong, I'm completely invincible in the kitchen. Recipes are for other people (as are mistakes) but I have the freedom to pick and choose my directions on a whim. It's quite a rush.

It's also not without its disastrous moments:

Wonton Wrappers These do, in fact, dry out. You are not immune. You're not special. If you don't treat them like phyllo dough with the damp towel routine, they will crack and crumble and they won't fold. And then, and then, they'll take their last bit of residual moisture and stick themselves together in the freezer where they'll sit, ready to crumble into worthless shards as soon as you try to break them apart to cook. Whereas, if you just use the damn towel, they'll be foldable, and they won't glue themselves together in the freezer.

Coarsely Ground Corn Meal, Finely Ground Corn Meal, And Pizza Dough
Your pizza dough recipe probably calls for finely ground cornmeal. Mine does. Do not, in a fit of frustration, decide that coarse will work just fine unless you are prepared to spend an hour with a mortar and pestle to make your own. Especially, do not give up on the mortar and pestle plan after 15 minutes, deciding that it's "good enough." It's not. Your pizza dough will end up sticky and gritty, you'll have to add a bunch more flour, you won't actually taste the corn meal, and your pizza dough will be dense. It's horrible.

Oh. And don't skimp on the salt. 2 tsp distributed through a recipe's worth of dough never hurt anyone.

Speaking of Pizza Dough...
If the weather is warm and you've been buried in winter for a few months, you will find that everything tastes better grilled. Veggies, burgers, apples, leftovers, and yes, even pizza. You'll find that when you shape your crusts, the first attempt will end up lumpy, uneven, and full of holes. Most people would dismiss such a blunder as not worth worrying about, since the crust will end up covered in toppings and no one will notice. This is true, but to so casually gloss over the situation is to discard a valuable opportunity for a grilling object lesson.

You will need:

• 1 mangled pizza crust (sacrificial)
• 1 hot grill
• 1 set of incomplete crust grilling instructions. These should include the amount of charcoal to use, the exact configuration of the charcoal, and the start of the sentence detailing the amount of time each side should be grilled. The actual time should be omitted. For best results, do not refer to these instructions until after the charcoal has been configured incorrectly, lit, and allowed to burn down to coals.
• 1 inexperienced kitchen helper

Under the guise of a learning experience, put your kitchen helper in charge of the pizza. Throw it on the grill, explain that only one side needs to be done, and leave to go prepare pizza toppings. After about 5 minutes, you'll be rewarded by the sight of your kitchen helper flailing his arms in a blind panic as he looks for a grill spatula. Upon securing the spatula, he'll race back out to the grill, holding his prize high over his head like a weapon as he charges through the living room. Stay calm, maybe raise an eyebrow, and go back to cutting up pizza vegetables.

Your devoted kitchen helper will reappear a few minutes later looking like a sad puppy with a crispy, somewhat charred pizza crust and a plaintive whine of, "It's burnt to poop."

Bok Choi and Wonton Soup

I had a great, long spring break which I spent in San Francisco and at home. Chris was gallivanting around California. It was fun.

Then Chris got sick. He blames changing weather and too much time on airplanes. He's been miserable all week and he hasn't had much of an appetite. I figured it was about time I learned to make soup. Carpe Diem and all that.

I've got 2 main internet sources for recipes: foodtv.com and epicurious.com. FoodTV is the website of the Food Network, and it has all the recipes from the programs it shows, as well as viewer submitted recipes and some stuff from their test kitchens. Epicurious is the home of Bon Appetit and Gourmet magazines, so it has all of those recipes, as well as reader submitted stuff.

Both of these have a few very important features: reader reviews, photos, and test kitchens. It's very comforting to know that some of the recipes have been tested and tweaked by people who know what they're doing. The photos are useful reference points for how things are supposed to look, and the reader reviews save me the trouble of making bad recipes. Usually, readers will offer some very good tweaks of their own, and more importantly, if there's a mistake in the recipe, readers will generally catch it and add corrections in the comments section.

I generally use FoodTV the way I use Joy of Cooking. I'll find a recipe to use as a base, and I can be confident that it will turn out fairly well, although it won't be spectacular without a bit of experimentation.

Epicurious recipes are usually a bit more complicated with more ingredients and frills and I've found that they take longer, but I don't have to be too creative.

My soup recipe came from a combination of both this time. The stock and bok choi instructions started out here, and I used this pot sticker recipe as a base for my wontons. Both recipes were heavily modified, so the end result bears only slim resemblance to the original. I had no patience for an 8 hour stock, and I had the pot stickers on hand already. The trick with the pot stickers is that 1 recipe will make 40 or 50 dumplings and they freeze well. So some can be dumplings and some can be wontons and it all works out really conveniently.

Ingredients:

6 cups reduced sodium stock (I used chicken, but I think you could use just about anything)
6 cups water
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1 bunch scallions, chopped
1 tbsp ginger, chopped
soy sauce to taste
1 head bok choi, cleaned and chopped
30 pot stickers (henceforth known as wontons in this recipe)

Simmer the stock, water, garlic, scallions, ginger, and soy sauce for about an hour. Use this time to prepare the bok choy. Add the bok choy and let boil for 3 to 4 minutes, until "crisp tender". Add the pot stickers and let cook for another 3 minutes, until filling is done. Cut a wonton open and check, especially if using frozen wontons.

Serve hot.

Stocking the Arsenal

I'm starting a new collection of recipes called the Arsenal. Recipes in the Arsenal will be common items that are easy to master and turn out much better than anyone has a right to expect.

Look to the Arsenal when you need to impress a date, when you're hanging out with friends, or when you want a jazzed up version of comfort food. This stuff will deliver.

Arsenal: Skillet Popcorn

It could be argued that this is a bad topic for the Arsenal. Most of the people who would propose that view are people who have never had good skillet popcorn and until a few days ago, I was one of those people. However, I've been converted and I'm bringing my message to the masses.

You will need:

popcorn kernels
canola/vegetable oil
skillet with tight fitting lid, preferably glass

optional seasonings:

salt
butter*
cayenne pepper
garlic powder
grated cheese
anything in your spice rack or pantry

I didn't list amounts of any of this because it's all in direct relation to the size of your pan. You need enough oil to coat the bottom of the pan, and enough kernels to cover the bottom of the skillet in 1 layer.

Add the oil to the skillet, and put 5 to 10 test kernels in there with it. You'll be using these kernels to indicate when the oil is hot enough for the popcorn. Put the lid on and then turn the burner on high. Now, wait for the test kernels to pop. If you've got a glass lid, this is where you'll appreciate it. Otherwise, just listen. Once the kernels start to pop, lift up the lid in front of you so that it's between you and the pan. This way, the lid will act as a shield and protect you from stray kernels. Add the rest of the popcorn, replace the lid, and agitate the pan. You should hear popping soon. If you're using glass, you'll notice your kernels starting to brown. This is normal. Continue to agitate the skillet until the popping has slowed to 5 seconds between pops. Remove from heat and put the popcorn into your serving bowl.

If you want to season, now is the time. Salt is usually a good start, followed by whatever else you want to add. I generally add salt, cayenne, grated parmesan, and garlic powder. Butter can also be added at this stage, although I've found it doesn't add much.

*I don't actually like butter on my skillet popcorn. Oil and salt add enough flavor for me, and the butter just adds grease.

Your ankles, they are jelly

I haven't been cooking much recently so this post will instead be about the ice skating event on Friday night.

The grad student collective sponsored an ice skating happy hour at the local rink, and since Chris is a grad student, I got to tag along.

It was an odd night.

First of all, I am not the type to begrudge anyone the right to skate (or ski or body surf etc.) regardless of their skill level except when their lack of skill poses a direct danger to themselves or others. And while I can think of many instances in skiing where I've experienced such hubris (all you western skiers who don't give the east coast ice slicks the respect they deserve, I'm talking to you. And your 5 year old on the double diamond. Him too. He is shorter than the moguls and I can't see him until I land on him), I've never considered ice skating to be a particularly dangerous beginner sport. The environment doesn't change, there are no bumps or slopes, and there are handy walls should things get out of control.

After Friday night's experience, I've had to amend my opinions on this matter. If, even with a death grip on the wall, you can't manage to stand up straight because your ankles are too weak, then maybe skating isn't for you. I mean, come on. If neither your arms nor your legs are strong enough to keep you vaguely vertical, you should not be handicapping yourself even further.

And if, after 90 minutes of falling, things still aren't working, maybe you should take a break. Preferably before you sprain your ankle (yes this happened).

I understand that there's a learning curve involved. And that's fine. But I don't like to see people getting hurt. And more to the point, were these people having any kind of fun at all? It didn't look like it. They all looked terrified, and justifiably so. Who really wants to spend their Friday fearing unspecified pain when they could do something else?

The moral of the story is DON'T BE AN IDIOT.